children and the cuckoo psychology of having them

Why do we have children? Evolutionarily, we're born to give birth (or at least, Darwin said so). If Darwin was right and our ultimate purpose in life is to reproduce, are marriage and other similar rituals across cultures simply accessories for this baby-making mission? And if, somewhere in this chaotic multiverse, it's not, then sanitarily, truly, and frankly speaking, why do we want to have a baby? Is it so difficult to resist the millions-year-old pattern, or are there other reasons for it?

Yesterday, I found myself nearly unconscious in bed because of a sudden flu. I returned from a party, slept as usual, and woke up so sick I couldn't understand what went wrong or when it did. Even though the cause of my unexpected suffering remains murky, the suffering itself was crystal clear. I was too weak to move anything but my fingers, so the best I could do was surf the internet in pain (headache and muscle ache) and text. I texted three people whom I thought would care that I was disgustingly sick: my mom, my little sister, and my chevalier. In my fantasy, my mom would drive straight home and take me to the hospital, my prince charming would send me milk tea and snacks, and my sister would text the two above to tell them to hurry.

In reality, my mom was too far away to come over, my chevalier texted back and told me to see the doctor if I got any worse, and my little sister was still asleep. They didn’t do anything wrong, and I was well aware that none of them were responsible for my recovery. Yet, somehow, I still felt so blue, as if the whole world had turned its back on me and I was all alone in my bed. Then a thought popped up: "If I had a child, I'd never let this happen to them." After that, I imagined the sequence of actions I would take when my child gets ill.

Is it possible that the urge to have a baby was never about the baby, but about my unmet needs? Do I want a child just because they can carry on my unfinished business, and I can treat them the way I wish my parents had treated me? If so, isn't it too selfish of me to want that child? I'm forcing a person to live to satisfy my demands. Now that I rationally know it's wrong, why do I still like the idea of having a child so much? Even though I still can't fully understand my obsession with babies, I'm pretty sure one of the reasons is the idea that they can make up for my unmet desires. Which is, to be honest, a dangerous belief. So I told myself that I don't need anyone else to give me what I want; all I have to do is get my ass up and get it. So, this is what happened next.

I took the COVID pills left over from the pandemic, forced myself to eat two bowls of bland porridge, drank more water than I've done in a month, and got as much sleep as I could. I woke up feeling better and immediately ordered my favorite dessert. I did a virtual health checkup and had the proper medicines delivered 20 minutes later. I called my mom and told her I was sick. Then I chilled by searching for a badminton course for the weekend with my prince charming and made plans to be a crybaby and wheedle to him how sick I was. And with that, the craving for having a baby is over! (Or at least it is for now.)